Jewish

By Lindsay Hirschman

After Jamaica Kincaid’s “Girl” 

Go to Hebrew school every Wednesday; learn the Hebrew alphabet; read from right to left; try not to read the English phonetic spellings of the prayers from the Chumash; if you do, don’t look like you’re doing it; pay attention to the Rabbi; sit up straight in the synagogue pews; sing along with the Rabbi; marry a nice Jewish boy; this is how you fry the latkes; this is how you play with the dreidel; here is the gelt you trade with; at Grandma’s, light the menorah with your cousins, from oldest to youngest, from right to left; let Grandma guide your hand when you hold the shamash; say the blessing while you light the candles; don’t laugh when Grandma says “Adonoi” instead of “Adonai”; let the candles burn, don’t blow them out, it’s not a birthday cake; this is how you scrape the candle wax out of the menorah with a knife; don’t fill up on matzoh ball soup; pretend that you remember your dad’s extended family members; entertain their conversations; say “thank you” when they give you your cards and gifts; don’t make a mess with the wrapping paper; say goodbye to and hug everyone before you leave Grandma’s house; don’t wear your Star of David necklace on vacation; today Mr. Gallagher’s daughter asked me, “Are you Jewish?” I said, “Yeah, why?” She said, “Because of your nose.” I said, “Okay”; Oh my god, the daughter of a teacher said that to you?; cut the bad ends off of the green beans; mix this dressing for the salad; look away from the chicken while your dad cuts it; where is your sister? in her room; bring her down to cut the strawberries; this is how you set the table without scratching it; bring me everyone’s empty plates after they’ve finished their gefilte fish and matzoh ball soup; get me their orders for the salad; I don’t want nuts or cheese; I meant your family members first; help me clean up when they leave; meet a nice Jewish boy in college; dad can polish your Star of David necklace before you go; I met some new friends playing ping-pong. One said, “My name is Jewish.” I said, “Oh, are you Jewish? ‘Cause I am.” He said, “No.” The guy we were playing against asked me, “Oh, so you have a lot of money?” I said, “Don’t say that.”